


Aurora Borealis

by dreaminginside



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Feelings Jams, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-05-17 06:34:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5858107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreaminginside/pseuds/dreaminginside
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Killua doesn’t think a time will ever come where every moment of the final battle isn’t burned into his mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Aurora Borealis

**Author's Note:**

> i think i'm basically bleeding killugon at this point i'm going to die my hands are sweating right now
> 
> ALSO my amazing incredible friend hime drew cover art for it PLEASE LOOK AT IT: http://yusangdo.tumblr.com/post/138360156946/title-aurora-borealis-words-2200-pairing

Killua is used to the acrid smell of blood permeating his nightmares.

But for all the time he’s spent in his subconscious wading through a sea of his own scarlet hue, he can never shake the cold fear when his sleeping mind reanimates Gon’s bloody and broken corpse for him over and over again. There’s a specific time of year when Killua’s subconscious gives him no peace even in the dead of night, leading up to the day he dreads more than any other.

Killua doesn’t think a time will ever come where every moment of the final battle isn’t burned into his mind. 

It’s how he finds himself in an eerily familiar scene nearly half a decade old during a visit to Whale Island, seated on soft grass with the stars high above him, long past when he should be sleeping. He can still go for days without rest, but he thinks he’s gone soft with all Gon has tried to drag him out of his assassin habits, bags showing beneath his dull eyes as he glances over at the figure next to him.

It only makes him feel marginally better that Gon has had trouble sleeping as of late as well, enough to have joined him in his quest for sleep deprivation as a way to ward off the memories shaped like nightmares that plague his consciousness.

It’s silent for a long time, and Killua wonders if he should say anything at all, but for all of Gon’s talk Killua knows he truly _isn’t_ an idiot, and is surely capable of reading a calendar to know why Killua is so starkly distant. Gon’s callused hand closing over his brings Killua back to his body from where he’d been staring holes into the moon, warding off bloody memories with silver light.

His words might be late, but if it took Killua three years of waiting to get a complete apology out of Gon then surely he can bring this up without remorse.

Killua feels his lips twitch up before he speaks at the thought of how Alluka would reprimand him, that it wouldn’t have been three years had Killua not holed them up from the world at large, but he doesn’t need his sister to tell him that he’s had moments of idiocy even greater than Gon.

“You have something you want to say,” Gon’s voice finally sounds, and Killua spares him a glance with a bored tilt of his head that Gon sees right through, scoffing as he bumps their knees together. “Don’t hold back on me now.”

“I was thinking about what an idiot you are,” Killua wills his mouth into a weak grin and tries to ignore the way Gon frowns, bumping his knee back until they have a small war going, Killua pushing his concentration on anything but his inner thoughts. He knows as well as Gon does that he internalizes too much, the fruit of many conversations post their reunion, and he takes a breath after they calm down to try and chip at more of the weight sitting on his chest.

“I was prepared to die with you, you know,” Killua whispers, looking down at the space where their thighs touch, eyes carefully averted from Gon’s arm which he knows is strong and healthy, but isn’t quite ready to see. Instead he contemplates how starkly different they look, the scars and freckles dotting the visible expanse of Gon’s leg a clear contrast to the stark paleness of his. Any other night he might trace the myriad of scars along the lines of hard muscle, but tonight he simply closes his eyes, feeling Gon stiffen next to him as he continues. “No matter how hellbent you were on your own destruction and pushing me out, I wouldn’t have let you die alone, Gon.”

“And don’t give me any more of that crap about how you should atone for your mistakes alone,” Gon is silent but Killua already knows the words building up on the tip of his tongue. Gon isn’t as likely to fight Killua on every issue as he was when they were children, but that doesn’t mean Killua doesn’t have a read on all the words ramming against Gon’s teeth, begging to get let out. It almost makes him smile, despite the grim waters threatening to overtake him in his head while he muses. “It wasn’t even your mistake, yet there we were. I almost didn’t even make it in time, and if I’d been a minute later neither of us would be here right now.”

“Don’t talk like that,” Gon finally speaks up, staring straight into Killua’s cheek until Killua is forced to look him in the eye, unsurprised to see the same burning fire that is always there whenever Killua discusses his life with any kind of flippancy. “You can’t— ”

“Gon, if you tell me that I can’t talk about this kind of stuff I’m going to deck you right now,” Killua sighs, but narrows his eyes at Gon so that Gon knows he’s serious. He wonders if Gon will ever get over treating his life like nothing while holding Killua’s up on a golden podium. “The past is the past now, I don’t care about that anymore, just let me finish what I want to say.”

He’s lying of course, he doesn’t think the scar will ever quite fade from Gon trying to rip him out of his suicide mission, but he isn’t about to let Gon derail him with it again now. The wind rustles the grass underneath them, and Killua turns his hand so he can lace his and Gon’s fingers together, willing away the pictures of blood and crushed bone behind his eyes so he can look up to the sky.

“I was so dependent on your existence I was ready to give up my life to a world without it,” Killua’s voice is barely a whisper, and he stares into the moon to distract himself from the pounding of his heart. They’ve never talked about it like this, too many memories buried “That’s crazy, isn’t it? I told Meleoron that it would be a lovers’ suicide if I couldn’t stop you from self destruction, and I wasn’t kidding. I wouldn’t have let you die alone with all of that black rage around you.”

“Killua —”

Killua shakes his head rapidly, teeth grinding as he turns his attention to the myriad of twinkling stars in the sky, ones that have been there so long he wonders how many of their brethren have burned out.

“You were too bright, and despite your beliefs otherwise I was too damn in love with you to let you have your selfish way and leave me here _alone_ ,” Killua can feel himself getting more worked up as words flow from his mouth like an unstoppable river, and he wonders if this is how Gon feels all the time. Gon’s lips are pressed in a flat line when he looks over, but the fire in his eyes hasn’t dimmed at all, replaced only with a dampened sadness. Killua doesn’t stop, though, knows this has been years coming from his side. “At the very least I would have kicked your ass silly in the afterlife, I’d have found your soul and demanded my apology if god would be cruel enough to separate us then too.”

“I accepted your apology, and obviously it’s different now, I have Alluka think of so…” Killua trails off momentarily while he tries to dam up all of his feelings leaking out before giving up and stuttering through the rest, embarrassment finally catching up to him. He thinks he might be cutting off the circulation in Gon’s hand for the bone crushing grip he has it in, but he knows he has to see this through to the end. “If you _ever_ do anything that foolish again, I’ll beat you back to life just so I can kill you again myself. She’s old enough to make her own decisions and… what I mean is, I’m not leaving now so… don’t ever abandon me like that again.”

Gon seems struck speechless for a moment when Killua works past his mortification long enough to cut a glance to him, but Killua couldn’t say if it’s because of his outburst or the revelation that he didn’t intend to leave after a few days to continue traveling the world with Alluka like he had been the previous times he and Gon would meet up. Eventually Gon smiles softly and untangles their fingers to simply link their pinkies in a way that makes Killua want to cry, because it finally feels like the fragile broken pieces of their relationship are solidifying again.

“I can’t promise I won’t do anything stupid or selfish in the future but,” Killua scoffs at that and Gon wrinkles his nose in a way that Killua knows means he should shut up or Gon will stop being soft entirely for his _ruining the moment_. “I’ll try to be easier for you to keep in check.”  
Killua knows it’s the closest to a compromise he’s ever going to get out of Gon, and so he just shakes his head and smiles slowly, raising his and Gon’s hands to chest level and cocking his head at him.

“Sealed with a kiss?” Killua whispers, and Gon’s grin is blinding as he nods, pressing their thumbs together in the same moment as he leans over enough to seal his lips over Killua’s. It’s remarkably soft, considering how much Gon has grown, noses bumping only slightly as Killua smiles against Gon’s mouth. 

Gon pulls back enough for their foreheads to touch, and Killua opens his eyes enough to see that Gon’s are still closed, moon providing enough light that he can see the dark eyelashes brushing Gon’s cheeks and count every freckle, giving into a whim when he glances another lightning fast kiss against the corner of Gon’s mouth.

“Needles will be the least of your worries if you break this one,” Killua mumbles, and Gon’s laugh is brighter than the stars above them. It takes him back to years and years ago on this same island, a glimpse into before he knew just how blinded by that light he would be.

“I know,” Gon smiles, that softness still there, letting himself fall back onto the grass and dragging Killua with him. It’s silent for a long moment before he speaks again, turning his head to where Killua lays. “Killua, did you mean it? You want to travel together again?”

“Yeah,” Killua mutters, taking a deep breath and willing away the frown from his voice as red dusts his cheeks. “Alluka said I needed to give her some space for awhile, she wants to train with Zushi and watch his matches, I guess. She also said I needed to think of myself more, which may or may not be a ploy to get her big brother to stop breathing down her boyfriend’s neck, so I was thought we could maybe see some of the world ourselves.”

Killua grumbles after that, _you’d think he wasn’t a hunter and former assassin with the way Alluka bullied him out of her room_ , and Gon laughs loudly enough that Killua kicks him in the shin, causing a small brawl that leaves them tangled up on the grass. Killua ends up half sprawled on Gon’s chest but doesn’t bother moving, simply leaves his ear pressed over Gon’s heart and marvels at how quickly they can settle back into whatever qualifies as normality between them, something not quite defined but nevertheless always warm.

“If I’m not going to let you die, and you aren’t going to let me die without you, it looks like we’ll have to live forever.” Gon says matter of factly, breaking the comfortable silence and causing Killua to prop his chin up on his chest and raise an eyebrow in amusement.

“How about we go looking for immortality then? I’m sure Biscuit would appreciate eternal youth,” Killua grins as he sits himself up, matching Gon’s smile that stretches so big it shows his dimples. He’s never had any kind of delusions about his mortality, but when he’s with Gon, sometimes he wants to.

“As long as I’m with you, it’s a promise,” Gon breathes as he knocks their foreheads together, and the last thing Killua sees before he kisses him is the stars reflected in Gon’s eyes. He lets himself believe he won’t wake up to a broken Gon, that they’re all going to finally be okay and safe from the fallout all those years ago.

The red roar of blood in his mind quiets in exchange for Gon’s pure white light, and he knows it’s foolish to depend on others to chase away the darkness in your mind, but with Gon he thinks it would be even more foolish not to try.

He wishes only for pure white dreams.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! All of anything is appreciated!
> 
> Hime's cover art: http://yusangdo.tumblr.com/post/138360156946/title-aurora-borealis-words-2200-pairing  
> PLEASE LOOK AT IT IT'S AMAZING!!
> 
> also: killua really does call it a lover's suicide this meta inspired this mess of a fic http://hunterxhell.tumblr.com/post/137521034677/killugon-meta-%E5%BF%83%E4%B8%AD%E3%81%A0%E3%81%AA-a-lovers-suicide-i-guess


End file.
